my brother, Lucas, and the Kingdom of Heaven

These are pictures of my brother, Lucas, taken from my dad's iPhone on June 19th, 2008, his fourteenth birthday. After completing a nine-week wilderness program (with flying colors, might I add), Lucas and his disgusting mop of hair traveled to Washington, where he is attending boarding school and will be for another year.

I miss my brother terribly. These last few months have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me—my 18th birthday, graduation, knowing some people I used to see every day will have all but disappeared from my life—but not having my brother around has far outstripped them all in its emotional complexity and significance. I (we) have moved through stages of shock, bitterness, astounding realization, and restorative healing since his sudden departure from our lives, with tears of joy and sorrow sprinkled throughout. My brother and I are closer and farther from each other than we've ever been.

A broken world is one of broken relationships—parts of oneself invested in others that have been lost, and will never be recovered. The deepest longing of every human heart, from womb to grave, is meaningful, profound, vital relationship. Many of us have experienced broken relationships, and try to keep from investing in other people's lives for fear that we will once again know the pain of separation. We do this by investing ourselves in objects, both material and immaterial; our possessions, our sexuality, our careers, our talents, our religion. In some way we are all victims of this destructive practice. Each of us has some part of ourselves that we give away to something, rather than someone.

There is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother, who doesn't rot and wither away like everything we know. At its very core, my faith comes out of a deep, growing cry of desperation that comes from the innermost depths of my soul. The one I have placed my faith in tells me that this cry is not in vain; that the longing of my heart is meant to be fulfilled, that I have been created for a world of everlasting, unbroken relationships. He promises me that the Great Dawn approaches and will blast away the midnight of the world we live in. One day I'll see my Father's face and bow at His feet, and the parts of me that have been hidden away in worthless fragile objects will be collected and restored in Him. I'm staking my life, my hopes, myself on it.

The dawn for this comparatively small darkness of my life is coming. The day my relationship with Lucas is restored will be a day of joy and tears. I can't imagine what it'll be like, the day all of creation is made right and the sorrows of this world will be nothing more than a distant memory. But somehow I think the day I embrace my brother again will be a small foretaste of the day I finally embrace the one who knows and loves me more intimately than I can imagine.