some passing thoughts
It seems that God has been teaching me things through the most unlikely mediums imaginable.
Just when I start to think I'm getting pretty wise, that I'm on good terms with all my friends, and that I've done a pretty good job of things, the cover is stripped back, and I am fully exposed, without any pride left to keep me in high spirits. In this condition, all the fancy phrases and words I can conjure fall to ruin, and I am left with nothing but God's mercy to cling to.
I learned something new about myself. Apparently, I'm so obsessed with being accepted, I'm willing to put the trust of other people at risk by faking my identity, and by pretending to be a person I'm really not. I'm a PK, and I have been exposed to little in the outside world. This isn't really my parent's fault, or the fault of the school I go to, or anyone else's. It's simply part of who I am. I'll always be uncomfortable with certain subjects, around certain types of people, and in certain contexts. That's something I'm going to have to deal with--finding a way to cope with the reality that discomfort is a prerequisite for anyone who believes what I do.
I'm a fixer. I find problems, and then I relentlessly try to fix them. This is often to the point of obsession, which has destroyed many of my relationships, as well as my credibility with many people. It has also torn me apart on many occasions, because my attachment to a certain issue becomes unhealthy and ultimately proves to be my weakness.
I'm great at explaining how only looking to God for grace and validation is the only way to live as a Christian. But I can't really remember the last time I actually totally depended on God for something. I'm not quite sure I understand how this whole growth process works. I say that there isn't a formula to Christian growth, yet it seems like my time is consumed with trying to find it. But I'm never going to be satisfied if I think I can somehow fix everything. I'm frustrated, because I'm not quite sure why I have this desire, if ultimately there's nothing I can fix. Maybe it was meant to emphasize the fact that I'm inadequate, and the God is really the only person who can make sense of things. If I could fix things, heck, I'd probably think that I don't need him.
As I spend time with my friends and encounter different experiences, I learn new things about myself. Daily, God is giving me wisdom in certain areas, without failing to pull back the curtains on some particularly nasty areas of my personality. But with every revelation comes grace, and with grace comes growth, which I am truly depending upon God for. The Author and Finisher of my faith must, indeed, live up to his name if I'm going to be whatever he wants me to be. But I'm confident that he hasn't given up on me, and that he will, indeed, bring to completion the good work that he has started in me.
Please pray for me, as well as all those who are struggling with their spiritual growth, and who are just as lost, confused, and reliant on God's grace as I am. Also pray for those who I have successfully wronged in the process, that their wounds would be healed, and that I might learn from my mistakes and prevent them from happening again.
Just when I start to think I'm getting pretty wise, that I'm on good terms with all my friends, and that I've done a pretty good job of things, the cover is stripped back, and I am fully exposed, without any pride left to keep me in high spirits. In this condition, all the fancy phrases and words I can conjure fall to ruin, and I am left with nothing but God's mercy to cling to.
I learned something new about myself. Apparently, I'm so obsessed with being accepted, I'm willing to put the trust of other people at risk by faking my identity, and by pretending to be a person I'm really not. I'm a PK, and I have been exposed to little in the outside world. This isn't really my parent's fault, or the fault of the school I go to, or anyone else's. It's simply part of who I am. I'll always be uncomfortable with certain subjects, around certain types of people, and in certain contexts. That's something I'm going to have to deal with--finding a way to cope with the reality that discomfort is a prerequisite for anyone who believes what I do.
I'm a fixer. I find problems, and then I relentlessly try to fix them. This is often to the point of obsession, which has destroyed many of my relationships, as well as my credibility with many people. It has also torn me apart on many occasions, because my attachment to a certain issue becomes unhealthy and ultimately proves to be my weakness.
I'm great at explaining how only looking to God for grace and validation is the only way to live as a Christian. But I can't really remember the last time I actually totally depended on God for something. I'm not quite sure I understand how this whole growth process works. I say that there isn't a formula to Christian growth, yet it seems like my time is consumed with trying to find it. But I'm never going to be satisfied if I think I can somehow fix everything. I'm frustrated, because I'm not quite sure why I have this desire, if ultimately there's nothing I can fix. Maybe it was meant to emphasize the fact that I'm inadequate, and the God is really the only person who can make sense of things. If I could fix things, heck, I'd probably think that I don't need him.
As I spend time with my friends and encounter different experiences, I learn new things about myself. Daily, God is giving me wisdom in certain areas, without failing to pull back the curtains on some particularly nasty areas of my personality. But with every revelation comes grace, and with grace comes growth, which I am truly depending upon God for. The Author and Finisher of my faith must, indeed, live up to his name if I'm going to be whatever he wants me to be. But I'm confident that he hasn't given up on me, and that he will, indeed, bring to completion the good work that he has started in me.
Please pray for me, as well as all those who are struggling with their spiritual growth, and who are just as lost, confused, and reliant on God's grace as I am. Also pray for those who I have successfully wronged in the process, that their wounds would be healed, and that I might learn from my mistakes and prevent them from happening again.
posted by John Mark at 9:27 PM
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