raindrops keep fallin' on my head
Please pray for me.
I hate my brother. I feel absolutely no love for him right now. I don't know if I ever have, to be honest. He has no respect for anyone, and I'm pretty sure he has no feelings. He's the biggest asshole I've ever known, and probably ever will know. He treats my mother like an absolute bitch. I'm not exaggerating.
I'm having a really tough time now. He's never respectful to my parents, and I feel like for some reason they're not doing anything about it. I'm really mad at my parents right now, too. When I try to help, they (along with my brother) basically tell me to shut up. They're trying, but they aren't doing a good job. I'm sorry if that's a narrow-minded thing to say, but I really think they're sucking at being parents right now. If I was treating people the way my brother is at his age, I'd get my ass kicked. Somehow that isn't happening. I know God is the one who changes people, which is why I'm angry at God as well. I want to know why He isn't doing anything about it. I'm mad at my family, and I'm mad at God.
I think what's worst, though is that if I try to do anything, I feel like both he and my parents are suppressing me. I feel like I'm never heard, and that not even my parents are supporting me. My sisters have disconnected themselves from it altogether. I'm going to do the same. He hates me and my parents and has no care for anyone around him. I'm at a point where the mere sight of him repulses me.
I've disowned my brother. He's not my brother anymore. I've tried, for years I've tried, and he just gets worse and worse. So I'm finished with him. My parents can deal with him. They'll be happier that I'm not trying to help anyway.
I know that none of these things are good, and that I'm extremely angry and distressed and feeling rather hopeless, which is why I'm asking you to pray for me. What I've typed above is how I'm honestly feeling right now. Pray that God will show me that he's not abandoned the situation, and that I'll understand what the hell he's trying to accomplish through it, and that he'll turn my stone heart into a forgiving heart. It's completely opposite of what I'm feeling now, and it's very awkward for me to type this, because I'm begging for what I don't want. I want to stay mad at my brother forever and give him the treatment he deserves. But I weep, I weep knowing that I myself am a vile sinner, unworthy of God's grace which he readily bestows upon me. Tears are running down my face, because I realize that I am like my brother in so many ways. I'm so desperately in need of God's grace, and it's at times like these where I fully realize it.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
I hate my brother. I feel absolutely no love for him right now. I don't know if I ever have, to be honest. He has no respect for anyone, and I'm pretty sure he has no feelings. He's the biggest asshole I've ever known, and probably ever will know. He treats my mother like an absolute bitch. I'm not exaggerating.
I'm having a really tough time now. He's never respectful to my parents, and I feel like for some reason they're not doing anything about it. I'm really mad at my parents right now, too. When I try to help, they (along with my brother) basically tell me to shut up. They're trying, but they aren't doing a good job. I'm sorry if that's a narrow-minded thing to say, but I really think they're sucking at being parents right now. If I was treating people the way my brother is at his age, I'd get my ass kicked. Somehow that isn't happening. I know God is the one who changes people, which is why I'm angry at God as well. I want to know why He isn't doing anything about it. I'm mad at my family, and I'm mad at God.
I think what's worst, though is that if I try to do anything, I feel like both he and my parents are suppressing me. I feel like I'm never heard, and that not even my parents are supporting me. My sisters have disconnected themselves from it altogether. I'm going to do the same. He hates me and my parents and has no care for anyone around him. I'm at a point where the mere sight of him repulses me.
I've disowned my brother. He's not my brother anymore. I've tried, for years I've tried, and he just gets worse and worse. So I'm finished with him. My parents can deal with him. They'll be happier that I'm not trying to help anyway.
I know that none of these things are good, and that I'm extremely angry and distressed and feeling rather hopeless, which is why I'm asking you to pray for me. What I've typed above is how I'm honestly feeling right now. Pray that God will show me that he's not abandoned the situation, and that I'll understand what the hell he's trying to accomplish through it, and that he'll turn my stone heart into a forgiving heart. It's completely opposite of what I'm feeling now, and it's very awkward for me to type this, because I'm begging for what I don't want. I want to stay mad at my brother forever and give him the treatment he deserves. But I weep, I weep knowing that I myself am a vile sinner, unworthy of God's grace which he readily bestows upon me. Tears are running down my face, because I realize that I am like my brother in so many ways. I'm so desperately in need of God's grace, and it's at times like these where I fully realize it.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
posted by John Mark at 1:24 PM
1 Comments:
I'll pray for you.
In addition, I have a suggestion for you: pray for your brother and parents. It is very difficult to hate someone you pray for. You may still be mad/angry at them, but probably won't hate them.
I know from personal experience. I used to hate my own brother. We are a lot closer in age than you two, and we used to fight all the time. And I mean "FIGHT." I only cut him with a knife once, collapsed one building onto him, and had the police called in because of our fighting once (all were different occurrances). I thank God that I'm/we're still alive! Amazingly, we are much closer now.
Since then, I have learned a lot including the importance of intercessory prayer. Such prayer also helps prepare our own heart for dealing with those people. It also helps aleviate any selfish ambitions which may be associated with our hatred.
Why don't you write out a prayer to God about your feelings, a "Personal Psalm," of sorts. Be clear and articulate... like a Psalm. Include the following:
- How you feel about your brother
- How you feel about your parents
- Why you feel those ways
- Describe what God can do if He chooses (be creative)
- What is God's will concerning the situation (to the best of your understanding)
- Why would God do what He chooses
- How will God's actions affect you
- What can God teach you in this situation
- How can you pray for your brother
- How can you pray for your parents
- How can you pray for your own growth and development
Read it to God first thing in the morning and before you go to bed. Read through the last part several times during the day when you feel hatred.
Matthew 5:44 "But I tell you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you"
I also suggest you read into the Psalms on a regular basis (try several pages per day).
***********************************
Parents have a tough job. They often have a difficult time finding the compromise between grace and justice. It is especially hard when an older child was a "good kid" and a younger kid is the "bad kid" who needs more care and/or discipline. Parents often don't know how to handle the younger kid! Your parents need much prayer in this whole situation for wisdom and strength to do what is right.
Your brother on the other hand probably hates you also. He thinks you are your parents' favorite. Your brother is probably jealous of you and despises the fact that you get positive attention. He is desiring more attention as well and gets it in the only way he knows how -- chaos!
I think the worst thing you can do is completely "disown" your brother or remove yourself from him. He needs positive attention in many forms! Your own selfish feelings want to protect yourself and put up a wall. You may also feel like your parents are being unjust or treating you unfairly by not punishing your brother. These feelings are natural. The only way to remedy this is with God's help. Pray for him; love him; serve him (as disgusting as it seems). I know you're not his parents, and only his brother, but I hope you can find a way to spend time with him. If you can't do that, at least pray for him regularly.
************************************
When your Personal Psalm starts becoming old to you, or your feelings start to change, write a new one, maybe every few days.
Please feel free to talk to me about this any time you need to (email, cell phone, in person, etc.). If you don't want this response to become permanent, you can feel free to delete it, as well.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
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